you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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