I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
