I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
