I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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