I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
