So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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