I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
