never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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