i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
