in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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