Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
