I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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