I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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