She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
