Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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