dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
