You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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