So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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