I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
