I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
