FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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