it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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