"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
