I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
