Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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