I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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