Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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