beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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