You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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