He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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