Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
