just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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