Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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