i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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