who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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