You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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