Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
