i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
