first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
