I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
