I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
