I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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