my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
