if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
