He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
