dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
