Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
