I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
