Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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