somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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