I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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